Some things I've learned about myself

A few things I've learned about myself:
I LOVE GOD. Yes, I said it. I am a Christian, a Jesus Freak, even. If that bothers you, well, that's me. I am defined by that and am becoming a completely different, better person because of my relationship with Christ. I've given my life over to Him and in doing so, my life has become richer and more satisfying. Yes, there are still struggles: financial, emotional, marriage issues, but I give my worries to God and am filled with a peace that I spent years seeking.

I am beautiful. It's taken a long time to realize, but I am. And realizing that has led me to discover that yes, I might be nice to look at, but my heart, who I truly am, is even more amazing.

I love babies. I love holding them, kissing them, snuggling them. Best yet is being a mother to them. I started off wanting four, then during the labor of my second child I swore that I would never, ever do that again! Well, my heart has changed and I want more. How many more? God alone knows. I do know that being a mom is the most amazing thing ever. And while labor is THE most painful thing I've ever experienced it's also the most amazing. I also know that I desperately want to adopt. There are so many orphaned children out there who need to be loved.

I have a LOT of love to give and I love to give it. I used to think it was a bad thing; I would get hurt a lot. But now I know it's a wonderful gift. I love caring for people. It's my passion.

I really do like to exercise. Words I thought I would never say J It's so exhilarating, so freeing. The body is so amazing; the way everything works together is just awesome. Why waste it?

I really am a good wife. I think that it's a good and honorable thing to respect and serve your husband. I don't mean being his slave, but to cook meals, respect him, do things for him out of the love of your heart. I'm no pushover, though. He does his share and makes my job as a wife and mother much easier.

I love to sing. I don't do it well very often, but I love it nonetheless. Praise music is my absolute favorite. I could sing along with Erin Zurflu all day.

In shedding my false self and seeking the person that I was created to be, I've found that I really do love myself and that I have a lot of glory to offer. There have been many people that I've known who were hell-bent on keeping me from discovering the beautiful qualities of myself, and they were victorious for quite some time, but I'm starting to tune them out.

I AM NOT PERFECT and don't pretend to be. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I like to drink wine, sometimes more than I should. I nag my husband. There are times when I find myself cussing like a sailor. I have more faults than I could ever remember or care to list. I am definitely a work in progress.

Reflection on God's grace

In my constant quest to be closer to God, I find myself still disappointed with the lack of progress. One of the top things on my "ways get closer to God list" is daily devotion in my Bible. Hmmm, more like almost never. I find it disappointing because I'd love to be more familiar with the Bible. Most times, when I'm interested in finding out about something, I attack the subject. I read whatever I can get my hands on (or Google). I read and read and read until I feel pretty confident about what I know. Not so here. Why is that? If you are familiar with John Eldredge, you'll know what he says about the enemy attacking us and constantly trying to meddle in our lives and steer our hearts away from God. He's totally doing that with me right now. A couple of years ago (wow, feels like a few months) I was so close to God. He healed my heart of some pretty crazy junk and I felt so hopeful. Now, I find myself trapped in moments of doubt and hopelessness - will we ever be financially free? Will Ian ever get hired at a better dept? It can be so disheartening. The other day I was throwing myself a pity party and I could feel His gentle nudging at my heart. It was then that I realized that I was being passive with the enemy's attack. Rather than standing up and fighting the crap that was being thrown at me, I laid down and went with it. This enlightenment helped so much. I lifted the situation in prayer and that was it. Peace. I remembered why I had been transformed from worry wort to carefree and I just let go and gave it to God. Try it. Pray for peace and understanding and give it over to Him. Thank God for the blessings in your life and ask for more. They will come. They always do.

Wow, that's totally not where I had intended to go with this posting, but I guess He had other plans:)

On a mission

Okay, so I've been praying a lot lately about ways that I can work at home so that Ian can quit his second job (especially since he'll be starting school full-time in a month). Well, the ideas are flowing! I can't seem to do anything now without something popping in my head that I need to write down. I've also been having some "coincigod" experiences. Yay! So my latest ideas have been a site on natural parenting, something near and dear to my heart. Check out www.naturesmother.org and click away! Ian and I have also agreed that it would be a good idea for me to start an online retail store. I'll be retailing, you guessed it, products for natural parenting. That would be stuff like cloth diapers, slings, herbal remedies, etc. I registered with the state today and Nature Mama is now official. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I'd appreciate the support and definitely the prayer...

Isaac's Birth Story

I was induced four weeks early with Isaac because of problems with my blood pressure. I arrived at the hospital early and waited for them to get me hooked up to everything. I had had a little to eat, at the instruction of my dr. and wasn’t sure how that tiny breakfast was supposed to last all day long and what energy I would be using to push the baby out. The Pitocin worked pretty slowly. At three my dr. recommended breaking my water to speed things along. I was dilated to 4 cm and I was feeling pretty good. If this is what labor felt like, I could totally handle it without drugs.

Within fifteen minutes of them breaking my water I was asking for some IV drugs. The nurse had barely left the room when I told my husband I needed the epidural. It hurt like hell. I held as still as I could for the epidural, a feat that I was sure would be impossible as the contractions took over my body. Once the anesthesiologist started the medicine I felt a lot better. Some friends visited and I was able to talk a little. At about six I started feeling pushy and the nurse checked me. Sure enough I was completely dilated. I started pushing. And pushing. And pushing. I got tired very quickly since I had no food to fuel me and the dr. offered to help with the vacuum. I gladly said yes, even though it was one of the interventions I had said that I absolutely did not want. So I pushed while the dr. pulled. I was yelling and yelling about how much it hurt (they had stopped the medicine) and finally, out came Isaac. They whisked him over to the newborn table to get him going. I had caught a glimpse of him beforehand, though. He was perfect.

Eva's Birth Story

I was induced a week early with Eva. I believe my dr. had mentioned something about my blood pressure, but it had been fine so I figured he just wanted me to have her when he would be in the office. I got to the hospital early, belly full of breakfast. I remembered how hungry and tired I had been the last time and thought that it was stupid to go hungry to an event that required marathon-runner stamina. The IV was the worst part. Two nurses tried twice with no luck. My savior came in the form of Snook, a nurse from the ER who popped that thing in my arm with ease. I offered to buy her a drink. Once I was hooked up, the nurses started me on Cytotec (even though the manufacturer warns that this drug should not be used for this purpose) to soften my cervix. After a little while of that, they hooked me up to pitocin. I had been 3 cm dilated already so it started working pretty quickly. At 2 o’clock, my dr. came in and offered to break my water to move things along. My initial reaction was, “no way, I remember what happened after he broke my water last time.” But I caved in. I wanted her out. Ian asked if he should let my mom know to come over and they told him no rush, it would probably be a while.

So he broke my water. And I asked for IV drugs again. And when the nurse left to get them I told my husband I needed the epidural. Again. This time, I sat extra still during the procedure. I thought I was going to die, it hurt so badly, but I knew I would have sweet relief soon. When the anesthesiologist said, “uh-oh,” I knew it was bad. Sure enough, the tube had not gone into the correct space and he needed to start over. I started crying and held still some more. By the time he was putting in the second tube I had felt the need to push and was quietly pushing while sitting upright in bed. He had no sooner finished and started to put some drugs in that I let out a loud scream and told them that they baby was coming. I yelled at Ian to get ready to catch her, grabbed my legs and started pushing. I pushed as hard as I could for fifteen minutes and watched my husband catch my daughter. I had dilated from 4 to 10 centimeters and had her within an hour of them breaking my water. She, too, was perfect.

Ella's Birth Story

I became pregnant with Ella when Eva was only 3 months old. I went to see my same dr. and went back into the high-risk prenatal routine I was used to. At about 20 weeks I told him that I didn’t want to do the same tests that he had had me do with Eva. He told me that was too bad and that I had to do them because I was considered high risk. I had had no problems with Eva so I thought, “that’s what you think, man.” I had been doing research on becoming a midwife through apprenticeship and found one who lived right next to me, thanks to a friend’s referral.

Her approach was so much better. It was holistic care, focused on nutrition and letting my body do what it was designed to do. I elected for a water birth. At about 36 weeks I was dilated to three cm. And I just kept on dilating. I was dilated to 6 cm when my husband left for work at 8:30 on May 28th. I had felt nauseated that morning and was having the same old contractions I’d become accustomed to in the previous month. At 8:45 I had a really long one and it hurt! Then I had another one that felt really weird and I knew I was in labor. I called my midwife, Tiffany, who lives four houses down from me and let her know. Then I called my husband who had just gotten to work and asked him to come home. My brother came and got Isaac and my mom came and helped put Eva down for a nap. I was very blessed that my body had been getting ready for so long. I got into my birth tub after a while and the warm water helped so much. I tried to surrender completely to what was happening and went into a different consciousness where I would moan in a low tone during a contraction and relax as much as possible in between. I got to ten cm very quickly. I began pushing around 11:05. Ella was born at 11:10, right as Eva woke from her nap. It was the most amazing experience ever. I am so glad that I trusted my body and had her in the comfort of my own home, at my own pace. I now have three perfect children and if we have any more, I’m doing it at home.

Mini van update...already

Okay. My mini van totally rocks!

Dinosaur Michael and Horse Michael

By Isaac

The blue dinosaur and horse ate yellow hay in the red barn that turned green and then red again. Then they went to the movies to see… a movie. They ate popcorn. Then they played in the playing theater, which is right next to the watching theater. Chango, the monkey, attacked them. They were injured but they got better. They both attacked chango and killed him. The End.

Someone has been watching Daddy and Uncle Steven play video games way too much.

Planes, trains and...mini vans?

I have a confession to make. I have been fantasizing about something my husband would definitely not approve of… No, not that, get your mind out of the gutter. Mini vans. Yes, I hate to say it, but I have van envy. I’ve been staying up at night while Ian’s at work, surfing Craigslist and Autotrader for an inexpensive van. I’ve passed them on the street while I go somewhere with the kids, longing for the extra space to bring one of my sisters-in-law (and her child) along so my poor mom doesn’t have to keep going places with me as a pseudo-nanny. I’ve even driven to Portland just to test drive a Eurovan. (With Ian’s permission of course, that’s the only van he would consider owning).

When we got married, we vowed to love, honor and cherish. To have and to hold, ‘til death do us part. And to never, ever own a mini van. (Well, that wasn’t verbally expressed at the wedding, but we were both thinking it). Well, we broke that vow today. We are the proud new owners of a Dodge Grand Caravan. Not really proud. Forced out of necessity is more like it. But it really isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, I feel like I’ve aged ten years when I climb into my Mommy Missile, but it’s surprisingly comfy. And it has a working radio, with a CD player to boot! Neither of our cars has had a working radio for at least a year now. At least something positive has come of this.

I’m sure I’ll stop grimacing soon when I say the word, “mini van.” It might even be in the next few days, after we’ve really had the chance to go somewhere with the kids in our spacious new automobile. I’ll probably even be telling everyone I know that they should get a mini van in a week or two. But for now, I’m still adjusting…